I'm back

A funny thing happened on the way to forty.

I have been asked more than a few times why I took a break writing. My answers have varied, if you did ask you likely got one of the following answers: "Writers block", "Kids, Summer, you know the deal", "It's complicated". The truth is: I don't know. But I think I've got a better handle on it.

I turned 40.

I would have told you it's not a big deal to me. It's just a number. Our traditional way of keeping track of time, nothing more. The Mayans invented the calendar, blame them. For new parents (who only speak of their child's age in months: I am a little over 480 months).

Let's say the average U.S male life span of productive life is 75 years (900 months). That's not very long, I'm over half way there. The ridiculous thing is I don't feel like an adult. Med school will do that to you. College done at 23, med school done at 27, residency done at 30, got my first real job then. I've only been in the work force for 9 years. I just got my loans paid off, I have a little in retirement but the sad part is :I'm halfway done! I've used half my months and I just now got to the place I want to be.

Life is fast. I have a great life but the pace is blinding. My kids aren't babies (mostly), my parents are getting older. Which leads to another reason for my writing hiatus.

My mom was diagnosed with malignant melanoma about 4 years ago. Her lesion was deep and ulcerated. She had a wide margin resection and did very well. Top shape. Life is good.

She had an axillary node recurrence at the beginning of this year. She had a second surgery, an axillary node dissection followed by 6 weeks of radiation therapy. Not a good thing but we'll get through.

She had a third recurrence just a few months ago. There are multiple lesions spreading from her spine to the arm pit. Surgery is not an option, radiation won't help, she's now on chemo. This has been a major blow to the family. Like most moms, my mom is the glue. The hell of the thing is that she is not "sick". She doesn't feel bad. I know the disease, I've read the statistics and I know the prognosis but I just can't get my head around it. My colleagues get an altruistic look in their eye and whisper "How's you mom? or I'm sorry about your mom." And I'm just like "Man you don't get it, she's not that sick". I feel like I'm one of those family members who are in denial about what's going on. I'm not ready for this. Life is fast. There is no slow gear.

I jokingly complain about Danielle all the time but the truth is she's great. She's great in the fact that she pushes me out of my comfort zone. Third kid-her idea. Sell our house all the time -her idea. Travel everywhere -her idea. Her shenanigans have gotten us in trouble before. We almost got killed one midnight on a deserted Costa Rican back road, we were stopped by machine gun welding soldiers in Macedonia, I thought we were done for in turbulence over Peru. But one thing is for sure, it's never boring. Now she's talking smack about moving to New Zealand or selling the house, taking the whole year off to travel the world. When we get back, no big deal, we'll just start over. Most of that's just talk but sometimes I'm not so sure.

She saw her mother suffer and die horribly from Alzheimer's disease. She was just patching things up with her father and then he suddenly died as well. Since then her attitude is "if she can't control the end, then she is damn sure going to make the best of this part". I know she's right in principle. I think about it this way: I know roughly about 2000 people. Meaning if you handed them my picture they could come up with my name. 900 months from now that number may be 200. 900 months from then maybe 20. And 900 months from then, well.....yeah. That's not depressing. That's just the way it is here on earth.

So why not. Why not move to New Zealand. Why not travel for a year. Why not take that job that guy has been hounding me about. Why not go deliver health care in a place that I can really make a difference. (I am not making a huge difference passing out Lortab and blood pressure meds here in Nashville). That's a stretch, I do make a difference about once a week. Which is more than most ambulance chasing lawyers can say in a lifetime. Sorry, swords shoot from the depths of my self pity.

That's it. Philosophy class is over. But friends the end is coming, let's get over it and over ourselves. No one is guaranteed 900 months so there is no point dwelling on it. That's no license to act stupid but there is also no denying that the clock is ticking. It's so corny but true: Each day is a gift. Live life every day. My goal is to hit the pillow each night knowing that I have made the most of the day. That's probably going to mean getting out of a rut and taking some risks. That's what it has taken me 480 months to learn. Alright, tomorrow is coming, lets get to it.